I remember the day I got on the scale and saw 185...

Which to me back then was enough to bring me to tears. It was the biggest I had ever been. I was embarrassed I had let it get this far, embarrassed I did not notice, ashamed I had been walking around with this number on me. I was ashamed of my existence basically.

Now, this number would have been fine and beautiful, I know that now, I know it was not about the number at all. This was years of depression; it was years of literally not caring about what I put in my body or if I took care of it at all. Because I didn’t really matter. And it was manifesting for me in the physical form, but self-neglect manifests in so many ways. Took me years to see this.

See, while this revelation came to me, I was also experiencing a divorce. I was leaving my husband of 7 years with whom I had two children. He was my very first love and the only love I knew…He was also the most toxic relationship I had ever been in. We were like a volcano, waiting to erupt and erupt it did.

Divorce it’s an awakening force, it really is, everything I had been ignoring for years was coming at me like a train and I just kind of let it come at me full force. I had to look at myself for the first time in 7 years. I had to see what the damage had been, I had to face myself and all my years of neglect, all my years of putting him first, my children first, the cat, the dog, the fish, pretty much everyone in my life had priority over me and now the consequence was right there staring at me.

But let me backtrack a little bit here. As I was saying goodbye to my old life, I started running, literally, I ran every morning and I was eating healthier, I was taking care of myself and finding myself again slowly. While dealing with tremendous emotional trauma I felt in control of my physical self and it was an amazing starting point.

So here I was 20 pounds lighter and feeling better and better every day. Yet, I was still embarrassed of myself when I was around my more fit and petite friends. Them with their flat tummies and no stretch marks in sight. I was still hiding, I was still punishing myself, I was still walking around with guilt because I wasn’t thin enough. So, I kicked up a notch and I was so conscious of what I ate, and I worked out every day. And years after my divorce I had shred myself down 50 pounds and I thought this is it, this is happening, this is self-love and acceptance. My friends were praising me, I looked so good and I felt good…until I noticed my curves were disappearing, my boobs had left the room. So now I was once again looking at my body and thinking how do I fix this? There’s got to be a way. And before any of you think to themselves “well there is a way, you got to do A, B, C” Let me tell you, and maybe you’ve noticed, but my physical body was not the problem, losing weight didn’t make me happy, having more boobs or a bigger butt would’ve been a temporary solution, I would’ve found something else to complain about, trust me. The problem here was that while I was putting so much effort into fixing myself and my weight, I was still neglecting myself! I hadn’t even begun to look at my emotional trauma because I was too busy thinking 185 was the only problem depression had brought me.

If I lose the weight it must mean I’m doing better! Wrong. I was controlling one aspect yes, but I was not getting to the root of the problem.

And then...COVID happened. Now among all the horrible things this damn virus brought, one of those things were 20 pounds that found their way back to me. But somehow this time it was different. I didn’t feel ashamed, I didn’t feel embarrassed, I didn’t hide or dressed different.

And I know now that it’s because along with the 20 pounds, the pandemic also brought me time. Time to sit with myself and really see myself, for the first time in I don’t know how long. I saw all my toxic habits, and I’m not talking about pizza and binge-watching Netflix until 4am. I’m talking about that voice that it was always critiquing me, always making me feel like I wasn’t good enough. That voice that filled me with doubt, with unworthiness; I was so harsh when I spoke about myself.

So realized I needed to be louder than that voice. I started telling myself how beautiful I am, how powerful and smart. I reminded myself of my kindness, my creativity. I praised myself for being a good mom, a hard worker, a good friend. Not because I fully believed it but because I knew I needed to hear it, from me.

Slowly I saw that all that inner voice had now was "You've gained weight" to which I'd reply "Okay. And?? I'm still sexy! I still rock this dress! I'm still confident and fun! I'm accomplishing goals, I'm learning and growing"

What's a few pounds gonna do against me when I'm feeling like I can conquer the world. My body doesn't dictate my worth. My body doesn't define who I am or how much love I deserve. I will gain weight, I will lose it, I will have clear skin or break out. I'll have a big butt or maybe it'll fall down....who cares! Because my appearance is the least interesting thing about me and while some days I'll fell like wearing make up or drink a healthy smoothie maybe others days ill wear pj's and eat pizza all day and that's okay! Because I finally understood I deserve love no matter what I look like.

Now when I chose to eat healthy I do it out of love for my body, when I move I do it because it makes me feel good. When I take care of my skin its because I enjoy it. I don't dress my body with clothes the world tells me are the right one for my body shape, I wear whatever the fuck I want and whatever brings me joy! And if I want to enjoy pizza I do it! If I want to wear make up I do and if I want to show my bare face, there's no shame. I stopped the shame and I let myself be.

Caring about how we look its fine, caring about how we FEEL...its life changing. Try it!

Love, Ariane~